just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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