My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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