Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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