Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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