he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
