That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
