I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
