new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
