I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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