i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
