someone threw a dead crab at me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
