Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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