he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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