I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
