i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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