her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
