Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
