On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
