dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
