i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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