I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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