he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
