sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
