I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
