I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
