I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
