i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
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