You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
