It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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