He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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