I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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