Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
