Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
