Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
