the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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