well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
