God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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