my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
