he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
