The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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