we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
NoShamevember. You game?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
