New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
