You just made me feel so damn special
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
