I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
