I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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