someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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