I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
