What did we do last night that was yellow?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
