A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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