These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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