my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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