also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
