Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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