Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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